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Dear George: A Satirical Plea to the Past

By Emiliano Vazquez-Parrales, Student Voices Section Editor (evazqu20@uic.edu)

Image taken from Assassins Creed 3 promo

Image taken from Assassins Creed 3 promo

Dear George Washington,

First off let me say congratulations on winning the War of Independence. I’m sure all those men died thankful that they fought a war to maintain the exuberant lifestyle that you and all the other founding fathers enjoyed on those well-earned tax dollars.

Now with that out of the way, I must ask you, Mr. Washington, that you please, please, please, please just accept the title of King when it is offered to you.  Look I know that you want to be a rebel and break away from the tradition of your mother country of Great Britain, but I’m telling you that is a really bad idea.  Do you really want to deny the future citizens of America a royal wedding, coronation and birth for the next 237 years?  On top of that, this whole Democracy thing just isn’t working out well for us.

I mean every four to eight years we elect a new (sort of) president and congress who make all kinds of promises for change and a brighter future for the average man, but this damn system of checks and balances just keeps getting in the way of anything ever getting done.  So we have, like, two parties left in the country called the Republicans and the Democrats and they just can’t seem to decide on a single thing.  Because of this indecisiveness the government has already been forced to shut down, not once but eighteen times since 1976.

The last shutdown happened in 1996 when President Bill Clinton (you would really love this guy, he has a way with women) was in office and it was because of things like Medicare, education, the environment, and public health, which the Republican controlled Congress decided were not important enough to receive adequate funding so they decided to shut the government down for 28 days.

Fast forward seventeen years and now President Barack Obama (yeah so we passed this thing called the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution in 1865 that abolished slavery and this guy is the first black president. Surprise!) made this thing called the Affordable Healthcare Act (aka Obamacare) which pretty much helps the more impoverished population of Americans gain access to healthcare at an affordable rate.  Sounds pretty good right?  Well, the Republicans don’t like it so they shut the government down again.

Mr. Washington, I am tired of these Republicans (and every other party, for that matter) shutting the government down every time they don’t get their way.  It’s like, okay, we get it, they hate poor people, minorities, women, homosexuals, communists, fascists, education, government-funded healthcare, unions, the environment, gun control, liberals, foreigners, non-Christians, hippies, rainbows, and bunny rabbits, but why must the rest of us suffer for their animosity?

Now because of this whole government shutdown I can’t go visit any of our national landmarks (that includes yours), all our federally-funded zoos, museums, and national parks are shut down.  Hell, the only part of NASA that’s still operating is Mission Control and they won’t even let me in. Federal employees are out of a job until the government starts back up but for some reason Congress and the president still get paid (I know it makes no sense but bear with me). Pretty much any federal aid programs like welfare are down as well and to make matters worst I can’t even get my federal loans so I can keep going to school.  How can I be expected to send this letter back in time to you if I can’t even pay my tuition to graduate with a degree in theoretical physics?

Mr. Washington, you can prevent this madness.  And the way to do it is by accepting the throne and having your lineage rule over this country with an iron fist, or wooden teeth – you know, whatever you prefer.  My point is that your descendant, King George W. Washington, would not have to answer to any annoying Congress when he decides to do something like establish affordable healthcare for the peasants.  We wouldn’t have to worry about who to vote for and whether or not they will be representative of their constituency or their wallets because all that will be decided for us by our noble king.  And if anyone dares to disagree with him then it’s off with his or her head and problem solved.

So, your Highness, I strongly urge you to please accept the throne and take your rightful place as King of the United States of America in order for us to avoid this ongoing political circus that exists now.  You would really be doing us a huge favor.

Sincerely

An uninsured, unemployed, $100,000 in debt college student.

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